🏊♂️ FREESTYLE – Vanitas vanitatum
Arms spinning like helicopter blades, legs like a blender in panic mode, and breath every three strokes or you black out. It’s a mad cocktail of cardio, survival, and the desperate hope that someone on the shore will admire your suffering.
🍉🍉 BREASTSTROKE – when you want to swim but keep your lashes and hair flawless
Perfect for aquatic flirting. Smooth glides, sexy frog legs, and a “who’s watching me?” glance above the surface. Great for gossiping, burning exactly 15 calories per hour, and engaging in passive-aggressive lane wars with a grandma in a purple swim cap. Notice for blondes: yes, you're allowed to use your arms when swimming.
🦋 BUTTERFLY – fifty shades of "why did I do this to myself"
This isn’t a stroke — it’s an emotional breakdown. You look like a caffeinated dolphin having an exorcism. Somewhere between CrossFit, interpretive dance, and regret. Water everywhere, pain everywhere, achievement nowhere. After 50 meters you’re single, dehydrated, and rethinking your life choices. Maybe chess isn’t such a bad hobby after all?
🛌 BACKSTROKE – Netflix & chill, aquatic edition
You pretend to train, but really you’re just floating, stargazing at the ceiling, and vibing. Navigation is based purely on intuition, occasional head bumps into the pool wall, and zero ‘sorry!’. Perfect for the lazy and the romantics.
🦛 HIPPO – when life knocks you down… literally
This isn’t a swim style. It’s a state of mind. You sink to the bottom, thank Archimedes for his principle, and crawl to the shore like a hippo after a 3-day festival. No pace. No breathing. Just a deep, spiritual yearning for a towel, a lounge chair, and professional therapy. Ideal for Monday mornings, breakups, and hangovers. Endorsed by psychologists and fizzy tablets alike.
🎎 "As the old Japanese proverb says: 'Mizugi nashi, daibakushō' – Nothing breaks the ice at the pool like a swimsuit malfunction"